He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
