ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
