# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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