he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize