I can tuck mytits in my pants
Screwed.edu
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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