Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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