theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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