I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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