respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it glows. i had to have it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dicks are not precious.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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