Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
