It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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