I faked an abortion last night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
