I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
