the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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