shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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