Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
