he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
