I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
