I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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