hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
