Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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