tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I know her cup size but not her name....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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