So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
