Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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