First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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