I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
