Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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