when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
