your parents love me but you hate me
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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