i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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