Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
