im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
