I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
