I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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