my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize