I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I CAN MOONWALK!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
