Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
