God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
