I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
