Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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