What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
