The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
