Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
