My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
