I'm so fucking centered right now
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
