Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
