My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
