respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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