Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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