and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
