There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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