Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize