we have officially lost it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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