Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
