She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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