So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
