So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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