this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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