you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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