Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
