dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize